Are God and fate the same thing or are they separate things that work together? If they work together, are they under His plan or are they a part of His plan or is fate a part of his plan that you play the lead role in?

Those are all big questions that have been playing over and over in my mind like a broken record. It seems like every time that I think I get a glimpse of the answer, another path beckons me to blaze down it in search of an all too dim,twinkling light that we call hope.

This year has blown my mind. 

Is that the intent of this blazing path? To leave me stupefied? To leave me astonished and astounded? To leave me in awe of Him? To leave me on my knees and hand over my torch and hatchet and to follow Him and leave myself in the hands of Him?

Or is it that He is the one that is pushing me forth on this untraveled path? Is this His intent? Is He using this to strengthen me? To teach me? Is it that through all of these cuts from briars or through the dirt that stains my tired feet,that I will ultimately gain?

Whatever the case,I know one thing for sure. He plays a part in this journey. He is the ultimate director in this movie of life that has no specific genre. It is my part and the part of the ones that I have met along the way that I am unsure of. 

I guess that I will continue on in search of that glimmering light.

I had the strangest dream last night. I was on a roller coaster. I was on a single car and there were other cars following behind,but my car was going on it's own at incredibly fast speeds. It was more of a race and I was pulling ahead by a longshot. The strange thing is,I wasn't in control of how fast my car was going. I was swirling and spiraling through this incredible course. Sometimes it was dark,sometimes it was light,sometimes I was under water and at other points I was spiraling down in the middle of a multilevel mall.
It was an intense dream to say the least.

That dream kind of pinpointed all of my feelings though as crazy as that sounds. I feel like I'm swirling around at ridiculous speeds and none of it's under my control. At times,it's fun and I feel carefree and at other times it's dark and it's hard to breathe.

I've realized that I've built up a wall over some time and now it's slowly being chipped down and that scares the heck out of me. I've become comfortable having it surround me. I think that it's time for this process to begin.

So,here I go.
Spiraling and swirling.

PS
Thanks for my letter.
It's currently riding shotgun in my car.
It was a definite uplifter.
Wait,that just sounded like an advertisement for an undergarmet.
What I meant was....that it was uplifting and just what I needed.
Thanks for being there.
I couldn't ask for a better best.

I can't wait until next year. Last year I missed out on you for the first half. So,we will have to make up for lost time. End of story.

Uncomfortable Comfort

So,these past few months I've learned a lot.
I've learned that Jimmy John's at 2 AM twice a week,really does do a number on your hips.
I've learned that I can be an introverted bookworm.
I've learned that shoes are overrated.
I've learned that Camp Sumatanga really is my second home.
I've learned that I would rather trade in my computer and cell phone in return for the sound of serenity.
I've learned that life doesn't always go the way that you would have expected.
I've learned that God provides us with family and friends to be there to knock the dirt of our knees and give us a push to keep pressing onward.
I've learned that our Creator sometimes likes to speak in whispers.
I've learned that I really am going to be okay.
I've learned a lot,but the most difficult is that sometimes getting comfortable isn't always comfortable. Let me ellaborate.

For example,have you ever caught yourself or witnessed someone else fluffing their pillow and going to great expenses to make sure that it's just right before they lay down their head to rest?
Better yet,have you ever watched a dog prepare his place to rest? He roams around in a circle for anywhere between seconds and minutes before he acknowledges and accepts that he will be comfortable in the spot that he is to rest.

Lately,I have felt like I'm roaming around in circles and fluffing pillows. I know deep down that once it's time for this spiraling to cease,that I will have the comfort of knowing that all of this was worth it. Sometimes it's just easier for me to view this as uneccessary instead of viewing it as what it truly is. Preparation. Sometimes getting comfortable causes discomfort,but I'm learning my lessons circle by circle,day by day.

Getting an Idea

So,more of the puzzle pieces are falling into place and shuffling their way around to fit in place.

This week was one of the most amazing weeks of my life. It's was also one of the roughest weeks of my life,but knowing that you've had a part in changing young lives makes it all worth it. My job is so rewarding and for the first time ever I feel like I'm doing exactly what God wants me to do. I have fallen in love with Him and even though his plan for my life might not be exactly what I expected...I'm willing.

I'm still struggling with his call for my life,but I'm starting to have more of an idea of what he wants from me. It's one of the most exciting things that's happened to me,but at the same time it scares the heck out of me.

I have two more weeks of camp before I get a week off for the fourth of July. I haven't made any plans other than going to Robin Blakemore's,my favorite soon to be preacher ever, house for a spend the night party. I probably need to get started on filling in the blank spaces on my calandar.

I miss my Oneonta friends...a lot. I'm thinking that I need to arrange something to do this next weekend to fix this. Hint,hint.

Have you ever been in the movies and gotten so into a preview that you find it frustrating when it ends? Have you found it to be even more frustrating when it flashes on the screen in huge bold print that you are going to have to wait for 6 whole months to see the result of the intense car chase scene that left your knuckles white and clenched to the edge of your seat? I know I do. Oh yes,better yet,have you ever been crusing along driving with the windows down and the sunroof back singing to the top of your lungs your favorite song that just came on your favorite radio station only to feel like an idot a few moments later when the song clip cuts off and a catchy tag line comes on advertising the radio station and you are left wanting to hear the rest of the song?
Sometimes that's how I feel about life. Sometimes I find myself flustered and frusturated. Sometimes I want to see the whole thing rather than sitting there with knuckles clecnched.

Lately,I feel like God has been giving me a preview of something. I feel like I have a part in the movie and a spot in the song,but I don't know how to go about any of it. That scares me to death,but I know that my God is a great God and I know that he will reveal what I need to know as I need it.

I feel as I'm needed. In a way,I honestly sometimes wish that I could put those bothering thoughts and haunting dreams out of my mind and just put everything past me,but a voice calls me onward. So,here I am with a willing heart and an open heart,shaking knees and all.

This week is going to be trying,but His strength lies within. So,I know that I can make it.

So,I guess I will sit back and enjoy the show.

A Change in Step

Have you ever thought about what goes into the steps that we take? Breath. Movement. Thought. Direction. Purpose.
Have you ever found it amusing that we don't have to think about every single process that goes into walking from place to place. Sure,we have to be aware of our surroundings so we don't bump into doors and stub toes,but for the most part we just have to know our destination and then follow in suit.
Maybe that's how our life as a whole should be. Maybe we are supposed to trust in Him to guide our steps and know every detailed process that goes into it. Maybe all we are supposed to do is know our destination and try not to stub our toes that much on the way.

Just a thought.

This past year I have learned so much. I've learned that it's ok to cry and not even know why you're doing it in the first place. I've learned that it's ok to find yourself doubled over with laughter and not know why you're doing that either. I've learned that sometimes being on the winning team,means that you have to lose. I've also found that loss ultimately means gain.
I've learned that family doesn't just run blood deep. I've learned that friendships are like riding a bicylcle and that it's possible to pick up where you left off even if it's been a while.
I've learned that I don't fit in...and I like it that way. I've learned that I can survive. I've learned to live.

Change has brought about so much.
Heartache to happiness. New friendships to broken ones. Total confusion to perfect understanding.
I've run the gamut.

I've taken away so much,but at the same time I've lost some along the way.
Through it all,I have picked up pieces here and there. Some are obvious and others just fill in the gaps between. All of them have had significance. All have had impact.

It's so weird that I can honestly step back and say that I can see a change within myself. It's awesome,really. Although,I still know that I'm the same Mary-Katherine that I was a year ago...five years ago....eighteen years and 10 months ago,I have witnessed a major change within myself over the past few months and I'm thinking that I kind of like it. Maybe it was being forced to grow up and venture out on my own. Maybe it's that through everything that I've learned,I've learned about myself more than anything. Maybe it's that the pieces of the puzzle are slowly but surely fitting together.
Maybe it's these new shoes that I have found that perfectly mold to my feet.

I think I hear Him calling. I think that I'll grab those new shoes and go for a walk.

(: